Recently by jaybeans
Mostly Martha: Oh lord. Debbie Clemens has a website. She, apparently, bedazzles stuff with swarovski crystals. Do you want to see her terrible "Look at me I care about healthy living and being happy, and I put crystals on the back of white jean jackets in the shape of a steer's head" website?
Jaybeans: It's a poorly designed image scrolling site
Mostly Martha: Seriously. For 28 million a year, get a designer. Also, did you see the part where she has a quote of Lincoln's next to a quote of her own?
Jaybeans: No I didn't. What's the quote?
Mostly Martha: "You are as happy as you decide to be" - Abraham Lincoln. "I have decided to be happy! As a matter of fact I've gone Jacket Happy!" - Debbie Clemens
Jaybeans: ... Jacket happy? Because when I think of Lincoln, I think of the phrase 'jacket happy'
Mostly Martha: Her "work" is apparently called Jacket Happy. Also, if you scroll alll the way down, there's gross pics of her in a bikini posing with Rogah. Apparently, in the Clemen's household, it is still 1987. I swear, I actually wore stuff like that back then
Jaybeans: Oh... my... god... You know the best part? There's like 65 jackets? Only one of them has "sold" on it
Mostly Martha: also, I could have lived my whole life without seeing images of her in a shiny silver dress clearly jumping on a trampoline. I just picked out an awesome one with fake cheetah print on it. It is $549.99. The fake cheetah is leather and in the shape of a butterfly.
Jaybeans: I wonder how many people are going to want the "go 'stros" jacket
Mostly Martha: Um... To burn? Or to wear?
Jaybeans: I chose the "rocket" jacket with lots of garish yellow. Which costs $799.99 because of course it has mink
Mostly Martha: Of course
Jaybeans: And leather
Mostly Martha: Wouldn't do without it. I mean, what would be the point?
Mostly Martha: Notice his sexy unbuttoned jersey in the photo from '03
Jaybeans: Of course when I saw the baseball being juggled, I thought he was holding an ice cream
Mostly Martha: I thought it was ice cream too!
Jaybeans: And I thought, "well that's how you got so fat." You get straddled by your wife while eating ice cream. Doesn't he kind of look like a Joey Buttafuco in that picture? Or at least have an air of Buttafuco-essence
Mostly Martha: so much!
Jaybeans: Like how someone from the 80's thought they could look badass? And they don't realize that it's 2003?
Mostly Martha: Judging by the aesthetic of her jackets? No. I just had to go back to her site. "Welcome to DebbieClemens.com! I hope that you find my site to be an innovative and refreshing perspective on family, health, life and relationships. The mission of DebbieClemens.com is to empower mothers from a common sense and balanced lifestyle approach. The laws of life and fitness, as I call them, are to plan ahead, be practical and use common sense. Eat healthy; be dedicated to workout, recognizing life’s necessities that serve you well.” - Debbie Clemens. Debbi Clemens is my lifestyle guru. I long to emulate Debbie Clemens. I long to kill Debbie Clemens and consume her flesh so that I might absorb her magical energies
Jaybeans: Does that mean I have to start taking human growth hormone? And wear a mouthguard when I'm at work
Mostly Martha: Yes. You must. As soon as possible. I also think you should start shopping around for a new job that'll pay you two grand a year more than you make now, but at the same time, send an email to everyone who works there saying how deeply, deeply you love the company.
Jaybeans: I think I need to find a company where I can work a half a year at a time. And just get prorated to where I make three million more dollars than anyone else ever
Mostly Martha: you will be a fit mate for me once I have become Debbie Clemens 2.0. I must get a personal trainer, three gallons of hair bleach, a stonewash denim jacket with rhinestones, leather, and mink, and a lobotomy post haste
Jaybeans: Are you planning to be stuck in the 80's as well or you going to go for the 90's since you're 2.0? Maybe sell oversized flannel shirts on your website
Mostly Martha: Hmmmm... that is a very relevant question. Or do I just need to be even more 80s?
Jaybeans: I'm assuming once you've consumed Debbie Clemens that the wisdom will fill you like a divine wave of information.
Mostly Martha: I think you are correct
Jaybeans: The thing about Clemens is that Johan Santana, who is arguably the best pitcher in baseball right now, doesn't go more than 6 to 7 innings but, Clemens is a guy who was throwing five to six innings in the NL Central where he didn't have as good of hitters as there are in the AL East (despite Albert Pujols being there) also he got to face a pitcher instead of a DH and can a guy who's 45 going up against better hitters do even as well as he did last year?
Mostly Martha: Precisely. If he loses 5% for age and 10% for harder lineups and another 2% for bullpen failure does that spell doom? No, of course not. But it should moderate one's expectations.
Jaybeans: His Ks will probably be about the same, maybe a slight dip. His ERA will balloon with the harder hitting and I think his innings pitched will be lower (one wonders if he'll actually be able to break 100 IP) but his win/loss record might be about the same thanks to the run support he'll get. He only threw 113 innings last year
Mostly Martha: Huh. He might not break 100. That's not unreasonable at all
Jaybeans: That's the equivilant of a great bullpen man. He's like the best long reliever in the game, it's just that he's pitching at the beginning of the game. As it stands now, he might be the thing to get them to October while simeltanously dooming them to playoff failure by ruining their bullpen. Of course, I'd love for the Yanks to have the two worst pitching contracts in baseball with Clemens and Pavano. Meanwhile, I think we've got the goods this year. I can't wait for a name to appear for this group. We've had impossible dreams, the 25, cowboys and idiots. I feel so excited about the group that I'm looking forward to being able to identify them as a unit because they do feel like they've come together pretty well.
Mostly Martha: Indeed. There's an article on Basegirl and on in the Globe that I think you'll enjoy. The Basegirl one is about lots of things, clemens among them, and is very funny. The other is just very vitriolic.
Jaybeans: Does the Yankees starting rotation remind you of the Giants from two seasons ago? There's just this feeling of... "we've paid for the best player with the best track record, we're so gonna win"... and they've overlooked the fact that the reason everyone has an impressive resume is because they've all been around the block already? I mean I'm still scared of Clemens and of Mussina but, they're not as dominating as they were four years ago. Especially having been in SBC watching Bonds, Omar, Finley, Alou, Schmidt, Benetiz. Seeing these superstars who are just that far past their prime, where people don't see that they're not what they once were...
Mostly Martha: After I read the piece from Basegirl, I really could put myself at ease about Clemens.
Jaybeans: All in all, I'm glad to hear what I'm hearing. It seems like for the most part, people agree with us. At least, the biased people who we read
Mostly Martha: Well, yeah
So Roger Clemens has rejoined the New York Yankees, choosing them over the Red Sox and the Astros.
I'll admit it. I wanted him. I loved the idea of a Schilling-Beckett-Matsuzaka-Clemens-Wakefield rotation. I also wanted the Yanks to not get him and their pitching woes to continue (well, at least it looks like Pavano needs surgery and might not throw a pitch for 12-18 months which might mean the Yanks just paid $40 million for five wins). However, Clemens chose New York over Boston and I have to say that I think it's for the best.
Clemens is perhaps the best pitcher ever. I really think that. But at 44, he can only manage 5 to 6 innings, and he'll be 45 when he hits the majors this year. Is he really worth a pro-rated 28 million contract? I think that he'll give the Yanks some quality innings, throw some K's and get a couple of wins. However, I don't think he's going to be lights out and I think he's going to put a further strain on the Yankees' already taxed bullpen. So in other words, I think he might help the Yanks get to the post-season but I don't think they'll have the bullpen rested enough to do much when they get there.
Of course the Yankees are 5 1/2 games behind the Sox and 4 1/2 games out of the Wild Card (sixth in the rankings). So, they need the help from Roger and they need it fast.
Meanwhile, I shall join Mostly Martha in the Clemens-is-dead-to-me camp, a viewpoint she's flirted with it since he left retirement to join the Astros and was cemented when he pitched his half season for them. I must admit that I had been always impressed with her steadfast feelings toward Clemens and now I must hope that her uncanny insight into baseball (referred to as 'the Touch' in our household) holds true.