Reports from the Nation

Sadly...

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 10:51:41 -0800

Well, it seems that with one exception that we've lost all of our posts from the '06 and '07 seasons (we still have the '05 season as that was back when we were on blogger).

While I am heartbroken to have lost those years of work now is not the time to hang one's head in defeat. So, Mostlymartha and I have decided to start the blog back up with the few archived posts that we have and try to cover this Series the best that we can.

Hopefully, the Sox can bring us a little something to forget all of our woes.

Please bear with us...

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 13:57:25 -0800

Sorry for the technical difficulty but we've hit a bit of a snag with our database and sadly, it appears that we've lost a great deal of all of our work. We're hoping to get things back up-and-running as soon as possible.

At the very least, we'll be able to get our videos back online while we see what we can do about finding our old posts...

Thanks for your patience.

'Beckett' is Bostonian for 'gets it done'

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:36:35 -0800

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Red Sox: AL East champions

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 10:46:28 -0800

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The Hutt gets tossed

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 10:44:09 -0800

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Move over Jagger...

Sat, 19 May 2007 14:22:46 -0800

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"That's my rule, you can't tell him about my rule"

Sun, 13 May 2007 15:20:24 -0800

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"Sometimes you just want to fix your friend's hair"

Tue, 08 May 2007 14:56:50 -0800

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IM: Rogah

Mon, 07 May 2007 15:04:05 -0800

Mostly Martha: Oh lord. Debbie Clemens has a website. She, apparently, bedazzles stuff with swarovski crystals. Do you want to see her terrible "Look at me I care about healthy living and being happy, and I put crystals on the back of white jean jackets in the shape of a steer's head" website?

Jaybeans: It's a poorly designed image scrolling site

Mostly Martha: Seriously. For 28 million a year, get a designer. Also, did you see the part where she has a quote of Lincoln's next to a quote of her own?

Jaybeans: No I didn't. What's the quote?

Mostly Martha: "You are as happy as you decide to be" - Abraham Lincoln. "I have decided to be happy! As a matter of fact I've gone Jacket Happy!" - Debbie Clemens

Jaybeans: ... Jacket happy? Because when I think of Lincoln, I think of the phrase 'jacket happy'

Mostly Martha: Her "work" is apparently called Jacket Happy. Also, if you scroll alll the way down, there's gross pics of her in a bikini posing with Rogah. Apparently, in the Clemen's household, it is still 1987. I swear, I actually wore stuff like that back then

Jaybeans: Oh... my... god... You know the best part? There's like 65 jackets? Only one of them has "sold" on it

Mostly Martha: also, I could have lived my whole life without seeing images of her in a shiny silver dress clearly jumping on a trampoline. I just picked out an awesome one with fake cheetah print on it. It is $549.99. The fake cheetah is leather and in the shape of a butterfly.

Jaybeans: I wonder how many people are going to want the "go 'stros" jacket

Mostly Martha: Um... To burn? Or to wear?

Jaybeans: I chose the "rocket" jacket with lots of garish yellow. Which costs $799.99 because of course it has mink

Mostly Martha: Of course

Jaybeans: And leather

Mostly Martha: Wouldn't do without it. I mean, what would be the point?

Mostly Martha: Notice his sexy unbuttoned jersey in the photo from '03

Jaybeans: Of course when I saw the baseball being juggled, I thought he was holding an ice cream

Mostly Martha: I thought it was ice cream too!

Jaybeans: And I thought, "well that's how you got so fat." You get straddled by your wife while eating ice cream. Doesn't he kind of look like a Joey Buttafuco in that picture? Or at least have an air of Buttafuco-essence

Mostly Martha: so much!

Jaybeans: Like how someone from the 80's thought they could look badass? And they don't realize that it's 2003?

Mostly Martha: Judging by the aesthetic of her jackets? No. I just had to go back to her site. "Welcome to DebbieClemens.com! I hope that you find my site to be an innovative and refreshing perspective on family, health, life and relationships. The mission of DebbieClemens.com is to empower mothers from a common sense and balanced lifestyle approach. The laws of life and fitness, as I call them, are to plan ahead, be practical and use common sense. Eat healthy; be dedicated to workout, recognizing life’s necessities that serve you well.” - Debbie Clemens. Debbi Clemens is my lifestyle guru. I long to emulate Debbie Clemens. I long to kill Debbie Clemens and consume her flesh so that I might absorb her magical energies

Jaybeans: Does that mean I have to start taking human growth hormone? And wear a mouthguard when I'm at work

Mostly Martha: Yes. You must. As soon as possible. I also think you should start shopping around for a new job that'll pay you two grand a year more than you make now, but at the same time, send an email to everyone who works there saying how deeply, deeply you love the company.

Jaybeans: I think I need to find a company where I can work a half a year at a time. And just get prorated to where I make three million more dollars than anyone else ever

Mostly Martha: you will be a fit mate for me once I have become Debbie Clemens 2.0. I must get a personal trainer, three gallons of hair bleach, a stonewash denim jacket with rhinestones, leather, and mink, and a lobotomy post haste

Jaybeans: Are you planning to be stuck in the 80's as well or you going to go for the 90's since you're 2.0? Maybe sell oversized flannel shirts on your website

Mostly Martha: Hmmmm... that is a very relevant question. Or do I just need to be even more 80s?

Jaybeans: I'm assuming once you've consumed Debbie Clemens that the wisdom will fill you like a divine wave of information.

Mostly Martha: I think you are correct

Jaybeans: The thing about Clemens is that Johan Santana, who is arguably the best pitcher in baseball right now, doesn't go more than 6 to 7 innings but, Clemens is a guy who was throwing five to six innings in the NL Central where he didn't have as good of hitters as there are in the AL East (despite Albert Pujols being there) also he got to face a pitcher instead of a DH and can a guy who's 45 going up against better hitters do even as well as he did last year?

Mostly Martha: Precisely. If he loses 5% for age and 10% for harder lineups and another 2% for bullpen failure does that spell doom? No, of course not. But it should moderate one's expectations.

Jaybeans: His Ks will probably be about the same, maybe a slight dip. His ERA will balloon with the harder hitting and I think his innings pitched will be lower (one wonders if he'll actually be able to break 100 IP) but his win/loss record might be about the same thanks to the run support he'll get. He only threw 113 innings last year

Mostly Martha: Huh. He might not break 100. That's not unreasonable at all

Jaybeans: That's the equivilant of a great bullpen man. He's like the best long reliever in the game, it's just that he's pitching at the beginning of the game. As it stands now, he might be the thing to get them to October while simeltanously dooming them to playoff failure by ruining their bullpen. Of course, I'd love for the Yanks to have the two worst pitching contracts in baseball with Clemens and Pavano. Meanwhile, I think we've got the goods this year. I can't wait for a name to appear for this group. We've had impossible dreams, the 25, cowboys and idiots. I feel so excited about the group that I'm looking forward to being able to identify them as a unit because they do feel like they've come together pretty well.

Mostly Martha: Indeed. There's an article on Basegirl and on in the Globe that I think you'll enjoy. The Basegirl one is about lots of things, clemens among them, and is very funny. The other is just very vitriolic.

Jaybeans: Does the Yankees starting rotation remind you of the Giants from two seasons ago? There's just this feeling of... "we've paid for the best player with the best track record, we're so gonna win"... and they've overlooked the fact that the reason everyone has an impressive resume is because they've all been around the block already? I mean I'm still scared of Clemens and of Mussina but, they're not as dominating as they were four years ago. Especially having been in SBC watching Bonds, Omar, Finley, Alou, Schmidt, Benetiz. Seeing these superstars who are just that far past their prime, where people don't see that they're not what they once were...

Mostly Martha: After I read the piece from Basegirl, I really could put myself at ease about Clemens.

Jaybeans: All in all, I'm glad to hear what I'm hearing. It seems like for the most part, people agree with us. At least, the biased people who we read

Mostly Martha: Well, yeah

R.I.P. Roger Clemens

Sun, 06 May 2007 15:41:42 -0800

So Roger Clemens has rejoined the New York Yankees, choosing them over the Red Sox and the Astros.

I'll admit it. I wanted him. I loved the idea of a Schilling-Beckett-Matsuzaka-Clemens-Wakefield rotation. I also wanted the Yanks to not get him and their pitching woes to continue (well, at least it looks like Pavano needs surgery and might not throw a pitch for 12-18 months which might mean the Yanks just paid $40 million for five wins). However, Clemens chose New York over Boston and I have to say that I think it's for the best.

Clemens is perhaps the best pitcher ever. I really think that. But at 44, he can only manage 5 to 6 innings, and he'll be 45 when he hits the majors this year. Is he really worth a pro-rated 28 million contract? I think that he'll give the Yanks some quality innings, throw some K's and get a couple of wins. However, I don't think he's going to be lights out and I think he's going to put a further strain on the Yankees' already taxed bullpen. So in other words, I think he might help the Yanks get to the post-season but I don't think they'll have the bullpen rested enough to do much when they get there.

Of course the Yankees are 5 1/2 games behind the Sox and 4 1/2 games out of the Wild Card (sixth in the rankings). So, they need the help from Roger and they need it fast.

Meanwhile, I shall join Mostly Martha in the Clemens-is-dead-to-me camp, a viewpoint she's flirted with it since he left retirement to join the Astros and was cemented when he pitched his half season for them. I must admit that I had been always impressed with her steadfast feelings toward Clemens and now I must hope that her uncanny insight into baseball (referred to as 'the Touch' in our household) holds true.

Pizzagate

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 15:11:57 -0800

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Heaviness in my chest and tingling in my left arm

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 14:08:26 -0800

Postponed. Postponed?!?

That’s right, the big PPD. Weather Channel says it’s wretched in Boston, wet and windy, nice, gray, wet-feet Boston-y weather. Does anyone else feel like this is the longest last month of the season ever? I swear its been September for at least the last 12 weeks. Last September flew by on electric wings, buzzing with excitment like a dragonfly. I hate the season ending and by November 15 I will regret ever wishing even for a moment that it could all just be over, but I’m a little worn out.

That said, Yesterday Jaybeans and I watched the game (10:35 AM Pacific time) and drank beer (’cause it was 1:35PM Eastern time) while I made chicken stock. I wore my Schilling shirt and thought about last year. So, as a result, a memory:

October 2004; Jaybeans and I are living in Birmingham, a place where no one has ever heard of a sport other than college football. It’s game 5 of the ALCS and Jaybeans and I are tired. We know we can’t watch this game sober. As the game got going, I shook up a couple of martinis (Bombay Saphire, not too dry with a twist), but the shaker top wasn’t on right and it flew off. Gin went everywhere, soaking the chest of my #38 t-shirt.

“Oh God,” I thought, “this has got to be the worst omen ever.”

I had spilled precious gin all over my favorite piece of Red Sox gear. I was almost certain I’d doomed us. Then I remembered how there is some precedent to the idea of spilling liquids having power. People used to anoint the earth all the time. Alcohol, blood, whatever. I thought, “If people can cull favor with the spirits of the earth by giving it an offering, maybe I can cull favor with the spirits of baseball.”

“I’m offing up that martini to the gods of baseball,” I said to Jaybeans. I danced energetically around the kitchen, drinking the remaining martini from the shaker and chanting a little. “Maybe all we need is a little luck, a little supernatural power.”

That night David Ortiz hit a walk off homer, and the rest, well, you know.

Now, I’m not saying that our boys won the World Series because I soaked the Red Sox logo directly over my heart with gin. But I will say this. When the first game of the season commenced this year, I put on my t-shirt and made myself a drink. I dipped my fingertips into the glass and sprinkled the fragrant drops over my chest. Just in case.

The last few days I’m thinking, maybe it’s time to break out the old shaker again.

Blinded by Optimism?

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 11:19:05 -0800

I want Curt Schilling to be ready. I want it so badly, I have a hard time telling whether its true or not. Some nights lately, he jogs out to the mound and throws a pitch that seems familiar in all the right ways. It's like every muscle in his body slides into alignment, his arm becomes the illustration of the lever in the "Simple Machines" chapter of my third grade science book, and when the ball leaves his fingers it looks as though it it's filled with life and purpose. The batter swings and shakes his head a little. Even he knew, you can't hit a pitch like that.

Then, three pitches later, that same ball floats smack over the middle of the plate for a home run, and I wonder if I imagined the whole thing.

Is he still in pain, or is he just still in the midst of a greatly delayed spring training, working out the kinks? Or, worst case scenerio, is this the injury that, years from now, we look back and say "He was just never the same after that?" So many players have that magic "it" one season, then next year it's gone. Sometimes an injury does it, sometimes it's the cumulative effect of getting older, slowing down, and the magic simply disappearing (I can't help but think about Bernie Williams here).

Right now I'm avoiding that train of thought. It's looking very likely that the Sox are going to the playoffs, a thing I admit to doubting back when this season was young. But if that's the case, even my desperate hopefulness doubts that we'll make it very far without a shot to the pitching arm, so to speak. We keep pulling off wins, but we do it while allowing the other team to score seven or eight runs. You can squeak by like that during the regular season, but the playoffs (and particularly the White Sox and Cardinals) are looming and I just don't think that's going to cut it. It may be a cliche, but good pitching does tend to beat good hitting. We didn't shut down the Redbirds last year by the force of our quirky personalities.

It would be naive to pin my hopes on Foulke at this point, Chad Bradford's no miracle, Clement and Arroyo (as much as I adore them) have ERAs that make me nervous. Come on Schill, please be better. Once again, we need you.

Yes They Call Him the Streak

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 11:16:59 -0800

So, Major League Baseball has a strict policy of not showing people who interfere with baseball games. The idea is that those people are doing it for attention and so if you don't give it to them, then they are less likely to do it. I think it's a pretty good policy and works well for the most part. Tonight, however, something happened that was so unexpected that the Tigers' cameramen couldn't cut away in time. A man ran out onto the field during the Red Sox-Tigers game completely naked.

It was uncalled for and held up the game but I think Arroyo's smirk spoke for us all. Sometimes you've got to be amazed by the scope of someone's stupidity.

Imaginary Baseball World

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 11:10:50 -0800

From the extremely well done Cursed to First, there comes the idea of Imaginary Baseball World: Imaginary Baseball World is the place in your mind where you develop your metaphorical, often highly symbolic, at times Freudian, relationships with the players on your team or teams. Imaginary Baseball World is where you take the publicly agreed-upon persona of a professional athlete and relate it to your own personality... What we feel about [someone's] public personality says more about us than about him, because most of what makes up the phenomenon of baseball is imagined.

They then go through the Red Sox line-up illustrating their own imaginary relationship with each of the players. Here's a glimpse inside my own Imaginary Baseball World.

Terry Francona - We often just sit in comfortable silence.

Jason Varitek - We live in the same neighborhood. I'd always liked him but I thought he was bit uptight because of how neat he keeps his lawn, of course, he thought I was a slob because of how unkept my lawn is. We finally get to know each other better when he invites me over to his barbecue. He grills a mean polish sausage and I impress him with the beer that I bring over. Now we meet every Thursday night to go bowling with some of the guys.

Kevin Millar - I can never run for public office because of all the stupid things I've done with Millar. We've gotten drunk and thrown out of bars and clubs all over Boston. It's happened so often that we've had to start hitting Cambridge bars. After a particular gruesome Karoke session I mention that Millar's got such great blackmail material on me. He simply smiles and says, "What happens in Boston, stays in Boston, baby." Then laughs hysterically at his own bad joke. It doesn't take long before I'm laughing too.

Mark Bellhorn - We used to be close but one day I needed to be picked up from the airport and even though he said he could do it, he backed out at the last minute, meaning I had to take the T home, switching lines twice, carrying all my language with me. I find out later he was in the middle of a good book and that's why he cancelled. Our friendship has been strained ever since.

Edgar Renteria - He keeps making these awful jokes that I don't know are supposed to be funny until he offers a smile at the end. I try my best to laugh but it always feels a little awkward, a little forced.

Bill Mueller - I got to know him better during the Thursday bowling games. He always brings the latest book he's reading and I always end up borrowing it. The books are mostly historical analysis, socio-political tomes and cheap sci-fi thrillers. Sometimes we get into heavy debates about the importance of gender in modern society. Our debates usually stop when someone (usually Trot) rolls their eyes and says loudly, "Jesus, you guys are dorks."

Manny Ramirez - Manny loves to tell stories; long, rambling, Abe Simpson-style stories where he gives far more information than is actually needed. He's also always offering people things. Really anything that isn't bolted down. He'll offer people the chair he's siting in, to go get them some Gatorade. He once loaned me his car without any prompting.

Johnny Damon - A fun enough guy to have around but he keeps inviting himself along. It wouldn't bug me at all except that it's the way that he does it. A group of us will be talking about going to catch a movie at the Commons theater on Friday night and Damon (who wasn't sitting with the rest of us), will say, "Oh man, Friday's bad for me." Then he'll wait a second before sighing and saying, "I guess I can cancel that appointment." Then he pauses again as if waiting for us to comment on his sacrifice.

Trot Nixon - Trot likes to pretend to be tough but ever since I caught him eating the team's apple sauce and watching the Backyardigans in the clubhouse, I know the truth.

David Ortiz - Ortiz loves pop culture catchphrases and will use them at any and every opportunity sometimes mixing and matching them. It'd be almost annoying if he didn't flash his grin and chuckle everytime after doing it. Ever since he found out I dig the culinary arts he keeps inviting me over so I can taste what he's cooking. For away games he actually makes both of us a couple of meals and travels with them in Tupperware.

Kevin Youkilis - A good kid but he's a little too eager to please. Some of the guys make him get them coffee or pick up their dry cleaning. I've been trying to teach him to say 'no' but he's still doing it, although not as often so there's hope.

Gabe Kapler - He doesn't want me to tell anyone but he's really into manga and anime. He just got hooked during his time in Japan. He keeps his stash over at my apartment so when people visit his place they won't know his secret. Sometimes he'll call me late at night and ask if he can come pick up the latest Naruto book.

Doug Mirabelli - We never really hit it off and then one day he overheard me telling Millar about how drunk I got at my last birthday party, and now I've noticed that he's avoiding me.

David Wells - We go out and he tries to get me to do stupid things like moon a cop but when it's his turn he always chickens out. He always has an excuse, his back is bothering him or he's hungover but I know the truth: he chickened out.

Bronson Arroyo - I like Arroyo but sometimes I treat him like my own personal jukebox. I'll say, "play that song" and he'll ask, "what song?" "The one with that line about 'your smile's like a ray of sunshine' or something like that," I'll say. He'll think for a minute then play a song. I'll listen to the whole song then say, "no, that's not it." I'm half expecting him to break his guitar over my head one of these days.

Wade Miller - The first day he came I joked," not another Miller," but he didn't find it amusing. We haven't spoken since.

Tim Wakefield - We go out fishing together. He reenacts gags from the TV show Taxi and I do bits from Futurama. Neither of us gets the other's reference, but we still have a good time.

Matt Clement - He still owes me thirty-five dollars for the time when I covered his bar tab because Bukowski's only takes cash (which he said he didn't know but this wasn't his first time there and they've alwaysbeen cash only). I've told him that he doesn't pay me back before his next start then I'm shaving off his goatee, while he sleeps.

Curt Schilling - I like Curt and I respect him. Sometimes we sit next to each other on the plane and talk about baseball or God, but ever since Mueller had to separate us, we've learned to avoid politics.

Mike Timlin - The fourth bowler on our team, he keeps trying to get me to go hunting with him and Wakefield. Whenever we go to play the Astros, Rangers or Braves we always go out bar hopping and say things like, "I love Boston but the South's got such hospitality."

Mike Myers - I call him up at home and ask if his name is really Michael Myers. When he says "yes," I snigger and hang up. He's had the phone company block my number.

Keith Foulke - Whenever he used to get a save, I'd give him a swat on his bottom and whenever he blew a save, I'd give him a frog on his arm. Despite the fact that I knew he hated it but the ritual worked for us last year. I finally stopped when Bronson asked me to.